Escaping control in unorthodox ways 2: Hacienda La Pacifica (Clara B. Jones)

Escaping Control in Unorthodox Ways 2: Hacienda La Pacifica

My two youngest children and I travelled to Costa Rica in 1976 where I began research on mantled howler monkeys at Hacienda La Pacifica, Cañas, Guanacaste, Costa Rica, a Swiss cattle ranch in the northwest region of the country (Tropical Dry Forest: Deciduous & Riparian Habitats) near Nicaraugua. By the terms of my divorce agreement, my oldest son remained with his father during middle-school, scheduled to join us for his summer holiday. I intended to home school my children; however, this plan soon proved untenable given my rigorous and time-consuming field schedule. Thus, with approval from authorities, I enrolled my children in state (and Catholic) education available in the City of Cañas. This plan had several advantages, among them a safe environment providing structure and consistency and, perhaps most important, the opportunity for friendships with children the same ages as my offspring. Another obvious advantage was immersion in the Spanish language which my daughter learned rapidly.

Some of the most memorable experiences of my life occurred during my field trips to the tropics from 1973 to 2007. I conducted research at Hacienda La Pacifica intermittently from 1973 to 1980 and am proud to say that I only terminated a working day prematurely on two occasions. On one of these, I was observing a randomly selected male in riparian forest, a habitat that is generally resonant with noise, particularly from insects, birds, and the river. On the occasion being discussed, my auditory perception changed so that, in a startle response, I found myself standing in a silent forest. This unique psychological event led me to review everything I had learned about physiology, sensation, and perception, and my reaction to the perceived shutdown of auditory inputs to my brain was unsettling, even scary. In retrospect, the experience was probably a straightforward case of sensory overload or deep and sustained concentration.

At one point between the time that I completed data collection for my dissertation and receiving my Ph.D. in 1978, it seemed that I would abort the project because of a bipolar episode leaving me discouraged and physically weak. Nonetheless, I returned to Costa Rica to survey my animals and to collect additional data in 1977, all of my children now with their father because of my illness and my plan to remain at my parents’ house in New Jersey to analyze my data and to write the final document. Perhaps a person without my mental illness, in particular, the manic phases driving me to work on hyperdrive at unpredictable times of the day and night, might say that I should have aborted my dissertation. I found myself capable of narrowly focusing on my academic tasks shut in a bedroom for hours at a time, having no desire for social interaction with my parents and not contacting my children for weeks at a time. Once, my ex-husband contacted me to say, “Clara, the children miss you!” This sad reality characterizes the extent to which I was and, perhaps, remain, content to live a solitary existence without normal levels of social stimulation. I am reminded not only of that day in the forest when my powers of concentration shut off auditory perceptual contact with my environment but also of many hours spent alone in my beloved bedroom in NJ as a neglected and, possibly, depressed child. Often I speculate: “What if that bedroom had been in a bare tenement space rather than a middle-class refuge filled with interesting creatures, other treasures, books, desirable furniture, etc.?”

Perhaps a sane and responsible woman would have made other choices. Indeed, although I may be mistaken, I am unable to recall other female fieldworkers with limited finances conducting research with their children in tow. Single moms simply don’t “do” fieldwork in foreign countries unless they are independently wealthy or are, otherwise, secure*, and I haven’t encountered many of these. I pushed myself beyond healthy and sensible limits because of my mania and because I wanted to play by men’s rules with an opportunity to compete with the top men in my field. I was disappointed to see so many female graduate students and post-docs drop out of academia to marry or have children or to lower their expectations of themselves in an attempt to “have it all.”

It has never been clear to me whether  high achievement in a severely competitive field requires that most women sacrifice motherhood and, perhaps, a relationship with an intimate partner. I am aware that some women manage it, though, by chance alone, some women will manage it. However, I am certain that such achievement requires the license to concentrate for indefinite periods of time on a task or project from its beginning to its completion. The process of publication requires, in addition, high resiliency as one experiences peer review that can sometimes be brutal. One might argue indefinitely about why women excel less than men in many if not most competitive professions (e.g., science). Many of my female friends have expressed the opinion that the rules of competition need to change for the benefit of both men and women. Other friends have argued that a different set of rules should be operationalized for women, an argument made, also, by some minority professionals. These topics deserve intense empirical investigation, and I am currently under the impression that the benefits of highly competitive professions outweigh their costs, especially when the quality of output (e.g., basic research, predictive models, scientific innovation) is evaluated. Unfortunately, perhaps, this view supports the traditional Panopticon Network and its male-dominated, hierarchical architecture and functions. I am conflicted about the implications of my biases since they imply that, whatever the cost, females who choose to compete with men must adopt their phenotypes, choices, and games**.

Nowhere did I learn more about the manifestations of power than during my year as a postdoctoral fellow in population genetics at Harvard (1981-1982). Though the laboratory was directed by a Marxist activist (Richard C. Lewontin), a clear division of labor and hierarchy existed in all tasks and intellectual pursuits (“Send me a reprint!”). Because my knowledge of genetics was limited, as were/are my social skills, I was reluctant to join conversations and intellectual debates, choosing, instead to observe and listen carefully. I learned as much as I could about the literature in population genetics, especially the early publications of the laboratory’s director. The library at the Museum of Comparative Zoology (MCZ) held a unique collection of early publications in ethology, ecology, and animal behavior, and I spent many days in this space. Most of my time during this fellowship year was spent writing about various aspects of behavior, especially its variation over space and time, and a many of these pages found their way into my 2005 volume, Behavioral Flexibility in Primates (Springer).

My observations in the laboratory provided important lessons about competition in the academy and elsewhere. Lab members were continuously vigilant of their performance, particularly in seminars and discussions among us. One individual was prone, almost on a daily basis, to circle the main meeting room, pointing to each of us and saying, “You’re in.” or “You’re out.” One’s status might change over time, depending upon performance compared to other students, post-docs, or visiting scientists. Failure to participate in these rigorous tests of knowledge and intellectual acumen placed one in a suspect position of being inadequate relative to the others. Though exposure to and guarded participation in these confrontations was challenging and stressful, and though I felt like, and was, an “imposter,” I remain grateful for the exposure to such intense evaluation*** and to the rules and standards of a very high bar/grade of academic life.

My experience suggests that many are cynical of education at schools of the highest order, and I have often heard the complaint that the lessons learned emphasize winning over a respect for differences or adversarial posturing over a humble respect for others’ points of view…quite the contrary. The lessons that I learned by attending Cornell and Harvard required listening very carefully to others’ arguments and, in order to perform optimally, acknowledging candidly what I did and did not know. As a minority, an “other,” at Ivy League universities, I, also, learned, to the credit of my professors and of other students, that I could not win an argument because of race, gender, disability, or class. As a result, it was necessary for me to learn the fundamentals of fact-based processing, as well as, formal-operational thought and problem-solving early in the game. My formal educational preparation (Cornell, Harvard, Max Planck) has provided me with many advantages, including the ability to assess when to abort contests and interactions with others. However, my decision to invest so single-mindedly in my work has been, also, very costly personally. These costs, combined with the very high price paid for my mental illness, bring into question, from time to time, the wisdom and realism of certain of my major life decisions, leading me to critique my life strategy for escaping my roles as wife and mother. Having said that, I would, almost certainly, make the same choices again.****

*I was very fortunate to have received fellowships from the Ford Foundation and, as a post-doc, the National Research Council.

**If only by chance alone, there will be exceptions to my statements.

***My research presentation to Lewontin's lab (attended by numerous other students, post-docs, faculty, and staff) was so embarrassing that, to this day, I cringe to think about it. That I “freeze” from “social anxiety” is no excuse for having been unprepared. It is important to me to point out, however, that I have experienced serious social anxiety throughout my adult life, that my social skills have always been inadequate, and that my confidence when interacting with others has always been marginal, often, embarrassing. I never was part of a professional network to provide social support, reinforcement, and ongoing constructive criticism, as well as, intellectual stimulation & input. None of these factors mitigates my deficiencies. As the Japanese say: "It is OK to be ignorant; but, it is not OK to make a mistake."

****I never had a conventional professional career. I had no professional network, to speak of, no mentor[s] (with the notable exception of Mary Jane West-Eberhard in my early career), no professional support system, little to no financial backing, no tenured position. Except for a few years as a visiting scientist at Rutgers-Newark, I never had a job at a research university. As for personal choices, I stepped on, stepped over, pushed away, or ignored many individuals along the way, including, my children, in order to focus on work. I have no excuses save that I felt/thought work was my lifeline. Today, I have no contact with my beautiful, moral, ethical, wise daughter and have an on-again, off-again, relationship with my brilliant, resilient, accomplished, wise, oldest son, though I have salvaged a healthy relationship with my youngest son—primarily as a result of his good-nature, sense of humor, wisdom, and personal, as well as, financial, generosity. Finally, many, many scientists, colleagues, and others have provided me with expert and needed input, constructive criticism, and help in a variety of ways throughout my career as a Behavioral Ecologist. I am very proud, and, grateful, for what I have received from others, as well as, for what I have accomplished and have no excuses or regrets, upon final consideration.

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Hacienda La Pacifica

for Vreni Hagnauer

You gender ecosystems and race exotic pets to

save wilderness in Canas where poachers wild

monkeys or that is how it seems to me...stay

away from replicants...Troy Day is your role

model since math is your strongest subject and

landscapes are rugged when life is not what you

thought it would be...whose fault is it when

aggressive advertising is permitted by law if you

order Chinese take-out in San Jose before boarding

the bus to Alajuela...you become more attractive

as you age but are not confused by the contradictions

of men or celebrations of wealth along class lines...

internet-deployed networks...you have a GATA4

mutation allowing you to hear in the ultrasonic range

and to share codes with bats roosting in strangler

figs while tapirs roam dry forest in rainy season

and clines promote species scaling...stress gradient...

trophic cascades alter group-level thinking and you

are now a matrón with 2,000 campesinos under 

your watch...repression of selfishness in human transactions.

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References (for complete memoir)

Giroud F (1974) I give you my word. Houghton Mifflin Company, NYC.

Myers DG (2004) Psychology, 7^th Edition. Worth Publishers, NYC.

End of unfinished memoir...