Gilles Deleuze, French philosopher and colleague of Michel Foucault, claimed that academics’ lives are boring, not worthy of conversion into memoirs. Despite urging by family, friends, and acquaintances to write a memoir, I have resisted entering this domain of publication which seems necessarily self-absorbed, subjective, limiting, and limited. There is the fear, repeating the view of Deleuze, that I will prove uninteresting and disappointing to the reader. Perhaps memoirs can be rendered interesting to the extent that the subject is capable of viewing herself in a detached and independent manner—which I venture here to attempt. I hope in this essay to arouse no sentimental reactions, no tears, and no images of victimization but, instead, to share certain facts of my life that may have general import to those curious about or challenged by mental illness and its effects upon a long-term scientific career. It is my intent, also, to place related events within a fabric composed of contemporary behavioral research in order that this document might facilitate understanding of the brain’s capacity for both order and disorder (dis-ease), in particular, how disordered episodes erupt over time, yet maintain the brain’s fundamental ability for flexibility, repair, and change. Just as the earliest psychologists attempted to reduce animal (including human) behavior to physics, I borrow from the latter discipline the concept, “Butterfly Effect,” attempting a memoir of my own recurring experiences with chaos and repair.
To view the self as “other” requires resolution of Heisenberg’s dilemma whereby accuracy in approximating a system’s character traits requires observation external to the system itself. The Heisenberg Principle is akin to the statistical concept of independence, a form of detachment insuring “unbiased”* inferences within a 5% margin of error**. When the self observes the self as “other,” a disembodiment is required so that the approximation of “objectivity” can be achieved. Like other animal (including human) behaviorists, my training has emphasized observational skills which should be transferable to the present project. As a woman in her mid-late sixties with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder (“manic-depression”), my primary obligation in this document is to the reader who, I hope, will discover a text, and its analyses, a “good read” not without insight and humor.
*When I think of “unbiased” or “objective,” I think, simply, of minimizing error.
**Technically, from a statistical point of view, this way of expressing the meaning of "error" is incorrect; however, it will suffice for a general audience.
**Technically, from a statistical point of view, this way of expressing the meaning of "error" is incorrect; however, it will suffice for a general audience.
[[Self-portrait Sonnet*
1. We could populate Mars, but Earth is a scalable platform.
2. Intersectionality is outdated since AI is the next big thing.
3a. I make ugly art beautiful.
3b. Are you a Gynobot?
3c. No, I am a technophobe.
4a. Istanbul Fashion Week was held in Newark.
4b. My book was released in June but didn't sell.
5. It's impossible to learn to cook by reading poetry.
6. I am free to make art, but no-one will care.
7. I exist on the margins, seeking a way out.
8. I have a quick mind but am slow on my feet.
9. I understand what he is saying, but what does he want?
10a. Do you think the play will be a hit?
10b. It should appeal to anyone with a dark sense of humor.
11. [Afrobots are defined by a field in Iowa where long rows of corn lead nowhere.]
12. Help is two hours away.
13. Buy one Tesla®, get one free.
14. Black lives matter in Ireland, and Dubliners like collard greens.]]
*Published in coelacanth [Fi], 2019
No comments:
Post a Comment